The last week or so

Have been quite an education in many ways. I've been surprized at some things that I appear to have found out. I'm trying to find an explanation but I think the only one is that things appeared as they are, both when I knew I was not hearing anything unusual and when I realised that I was.

Today the end result was a grounding back in everyday problems and experience. Though I think that has been part of what I've been through in the past couple of weeks. It's been quite a journey of exploration through many different experiences.

I know I've just got to let it settle in my mind, hopefully just over night.

Life!!!!

Well, I guess "changing attitudes" is a bit strong. Don't know how to describe it without going into detail, which I'm not going to do.

Some of the last few days have been surprizing to say the least, though that's not what I'm talking about. Been dealing with the more practical today and finding out stuff and just thinking about it all.

Need to sleep on it and file it while I'm asleep and tomorrow'll just be there to get on with.

Today

Today's been a revolving round change again. Seems to be just one step at a time in quite an organised manner which is just as well I guess.

Nothing really to write about, just changing attitudes and gathering more information.

Well, go and make dinner .. almost midnight .. and then off to bed.

Yeah

Seems I'm getting over the effects of the anaesthetic. Guess I had a slight allergic reaction to it which really showed when I was given a lot of it.It's not a surprize as I have slight reactions to a number of medications .. which is why I take as few as I possibly can which is back to none right now.

My first warning came when I was put on valium because I had gastric flu back in the very early 70s, they put you on the ruddy drug for almost anything in those days. Though I have to say that my mother was offered it for much the same thing about 10 years ago, she refused, remembering my experiences. I ended up on another couple of drugs to counteract the effects of the valium, which I wasn't taken off because after a few days they were treating me for the side effects of the drug and why I'd actually been put on it got lost in the process. Not an unusual story back in those days.

I ended up having dreadful problems sorting it out going into I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can scenario. I'm Dancing As Fast As I Can is a book written in the 70s/80s by a TV producer who was put on valium for a bad back and then developed appalling problems when she tried to withdraw from it. I went much the same route, got put back on a load of stuff to stop what the withdrawal was doing to me and then had to withdraw by myself from the medication because I couldn't trust the people who were meant to be helping me.

I'm not feeling quite so good today. Muscles aren't so good, but it could be a lot worse and I ain't complaining.

The two posts

The two posts below have published in the wrong order because there must have been some hold up somewhere. Can't be bothered to sort it out right now.

Remembering

I can remember how this started happening because we'd laugh about it. Not just with friends but with people we didn't know too. As it changed there was a sort of feeling that it was a bit of a joke.

Started when everyone started wearing black and you'd go out and so many people looked as if they were wearing the same because they were all dressed head to toe in black more or less. And it was a kind of a joke, you'd meet people's eyes and grin if you weren't in black and you'd joke about it because you'd just think it was a temporary fashion thing. No one was getting uptight.

But it went on for so long only to be replaced by the designer fashion fad where instead of wearing black you choose what you'd wear by label to some extent. And if you couldn't afford the real thing there were copies that were very similar or looked the same down to the wording a lot of the time.

I mean the fashion police have always been around but there've been sub cultures where you stay in the circle of the subculture so to speak but there is quite an avenue of free expression to allow you to be creative within the subculture you're with and that would be reflected a bit in society.

But stylists became the gurus. People flocking to follow them. I have friends who are stylists and are still happily original but they live in their own lifestyles. I'm talking about stylists who tell you what you should and shouldn't be wearing.

I've noticed in some magazines that they can't seem to make their minds up about what's in and what's out. Think it depends on the day.

It just limits everything and then that goes further out into society as well.

Creativity

I wrote this up on another board, with a few changes, when someone said she was thinking about changes in the way she dressed.

Why not do what you want. I love the creativity of clothes and don't see why anything should change that. Trouble is these days creativity seems to be on the out. People seem to see magazines as their personal stylists and there's hardly any individuality. It's changed a little over the past few months but there's still an air of 1984 where everyone is the same. The designer clothes thing has just seemed to dry up everyone's creativity because that was so where it wasn't at for so long.

People wanted to be a label and not to have to do it for themselves.

Adds

And the media has supported this too. It's easy copy. Suppressing people's creative thinking which then goes off into other fields.

Positive creative thinking is what brings out new discoveries and new ideas. Shame our society seems to have so much invested into trying to suppress it.

And it's fun too.

The Daily Om

Is a good one today

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2/2006/3278.html

But I'd rather it'd been about forgiveness or someone else's personal growth because that's where I have a problem today and I'm not sure how to cope with it or sort it out.

I'm still feeling bad about what happened and I'm not sure that I want to go back to be there again. Do I give this another try. Was it just some kind of blimph because of slight fear and not really thinking. What was said, it was only personal through a series of winding roads, was so out of character that it totally threw me and I walked away and haven't been back though I know I'm still welcome and have been contacted to let me know.

I suppose I should go back but it makes me feel emotionally and mentally tired and I've put a block up because I don't really want to have to experience this at the moment. Yet, I know in this instance I should really.

There's also a whole heap of past experiences that are saying to me walk away. Don't go back to sort it out because it'll just be a waste of time. More time wasted which could be spent doing something else rather than being caught here for anymore time. Past experiences saying don't waste your time.

But, this time I feel it probably won't be a waste of time. But I have so much experience that says it is. Given so much time up in the past which in reflection could have been spent doing something else rather than letting someone steal my time away like that.

This time I might give it a try though. The warning bells are coming from the past rather than what I know about the present situation.

Mentally deleting

I wrote something a little while ago that was just using symbolism for what had happened. I changed it before I even posted it, then I changed it again, and then again until it was quite far removed from what had come into my mind to start off with.

I didn't want to write about it factually because it was too personal. Just something that had really made me sit up and take note.

Whether it was another "spooky story" or not like the ones we've talked about on our board I just don't know. It might be, it might not be. But along with another conversation it's taken me back to the past in my mind to memories that I hadn't been back to for quite some time and the memories have helped me understand something I'd been thinking about just a little better.

Today I want to have a quiet day in my mind so will probably do some more sorting out and then just go out and look around some. I'm tired again, slept reasonably well but I can still feel the effects not being well is having on me.

I'm going back to get a bit more rest now.

And then I'll be up again for the porridge.

Today will be quiet mindwise I hope. Doesn't mean that I'm going to stop thinking about things but I want it to be a little slower paced or something today.

Yawn. Sleepy me.

Yeah ....

It is cool to have people round to tweak the brain in a good way. I'd written once about living in some kind of creative community and with the right people it would be so interesting.

Interesting day

It's been a really interesting day today. I don't feel too well but that hasn't changed that it's been one of my better days, though I do wish the health problems would let up some.

I'm really tired now and I've got to go and do dinner before I slip off to sleep I guess. Don't want to find myself heading for the kitchen in the early hours again. I got up then because people tell me I've really got to look after myself at the moment. I've been alright foodwise generally, though I guess I might have been a bit dehydrated at times because sometimes when I'm very tired I forget to have a glass of water. Or, I think I'll get one a little later and I never do.

Dehydration can make you feel quite ill over a period of time.

I've been ok today. I'm not actually tired I guess, it's more that I just don't feel very well. Don't know if it's something to do with the fact that some of my muscles have definitely got a lot better over the day, though there's still a way to go or if I've got a bit of a cold still, or if it's like a combination of the two.

It's been a good day though. Apart from feeling this way.

Ian Copeland dies

Music promoter Ian Copeland died today as a result of having a melonoma.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/entertainment/5015332.stm

Sad news, and he was only 57.

Very sad for his friends and family.

Also a warning to us. I had a mole removed a few years ago because it started bleeding. I was lucky because it turned out to be benign. And one hasn't reappeared where it was removed from, can't even see a mark where it was.

I've spent a lot of time in the sun, some of it very hot. I spent some of my childhood in the tropics which I believe is not good news. I don't know if I was kept in from the sun but I think I probably was protected because my capillaries hadn't been affected as if I'd been out in the sun a lot.

But because of the time I've spent out in the heat I expect I'm a candidate for skin cancer. My mother developed it and I've been out there a lot more than she ever was as far as I know.

I've noticed a few people have managed to get sunburnt this year. Don't know if that's from being abroad or from this country. The sun can burn you as early as April here. Though this year people are probably wondering where the sun has got to, even though we're short of rain.

Best to be careful.

I can't undo what I did, though I wear sunblock now.

Or ........

Something!!!

Just a reaction to something rather strange but funny that happened today.

Another lesson

Another lesson to be learnt in another dance that's been danced. Caught a glimpse of a shadow in the twilight and thought it was you but the light was dim and the moon shone to reveal another lesson in the twilight.

A ghostly song played in the glow of another night. I couldn't see who was singing but I thought it was you then the moon rippled and the shadows changed to clear the way for another's dream.

Our leetle board

We know that a lot more people read our board than visit because of the number of people who know what's happening on it outside of the town.

But we had what might have been just a leetle influx a week or so back.

Seems to have resolved itself.

Feeling better

I've woken up in the early morning feeling a lot better. Went to sleep early evening sometime and slept through til around oneish. It's around quarter to three now and my dinner's cooking. Well, I'm not going to leave that now, am I.

So many people have told me so many times just how important it is to keep my diet really healthy now and I'm taking that as meaning not leaving meals out as well. So here I am in the early hours of the morning waiting on a veggie curry and some roast potatoes to cook. I'll have a roll as well to make sure I get the mix and match protein I need to put together in a vegan diet. You can span the day getting it right but I like to have the right mix in whatever meal I'm having.

I'm still a bit swollen from that anaesthetic. I just have to think that I had some kind of slight allergic reaction to it. I've also had another cold and I can feel that there's a bit of tenderness on one side of my head from it. But, I feel so much better than I have been for quite a while.

I'm not one for astrology and things like that. But I am signed to the Daily Om site to get my daily om and my daily astrological reading. I suppose I could read them all for all the signs of the zodiac but one a day is enough. Sometimes they match the day, sometimes they don't, but they're good reading.

Liked both yesterday's and today's writings for my sign

Yesterday's

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2/2006/3230.html

Today's

http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2/2006/3242.html


The second one's a kind of reminder that if anyone's a bit ratty with me just not to get pulled into their mood. Obviously if I've upset someone I have to be involved to help sort it out otherwise detachement is the best policy until they've got over it.

My old friend Graham was one for advocating detachment in these type of situations. It was a good lesson to learn.

Possibly ...

I wonder if "blocking your creativity" might be code for other things too!!!!

Dare I think that.

There were a few other things mentioned that I had to agree with too I guess to a certain extent. But, I can only say to a certain extent because of the slight changes I've made and noticed in my thinking in the past day or so.

Perhaps the therapy will be good to keep 'em rolling because it's possibly that I'll just fall back into some kind of crap food induced legathy again (thinking of the build up of this state .. I am much better these days, though not over all that it actually did to me ... obviously) if I don't.

I don't know. I got myself thinking along these lines all by myself. Well, I think all by myself. There's been a lot of input over the last few days and some of it had obviously got through but I did come up with the line of thinking that was brought up today all by myself.

Naaarhhhhhh

Or something. I've just spent more time listening to career advice and about personal growth ideas to investigate. I've got to go out and get some food in so will write about it later I guess.

Empowerment.

It's strange cause I bought a book about NLP the other week after dismissing it for ages as something I didn't want to look into. And, then, suddenly decided that it wouldn't do me any harm to actually find out what it was about rather than just going on preconceived ideas as I had been for quite a long time really.

First it was suggested that I tried Bowen therapy and then NLP. But, just three or four sessions of each would be fine, just to get me to safely confront some of the things I need to because it's thought that some of them are blocking some of my creativity to some extent.

Hmmmmm.

It's strange because some of the things that were mentioned that it was thought that I should be doing are just what I've been thinking about myself over the last few days as I've come out of the whooze of cold + anaesthetic. And what I'd been thinking of doing myself. Not the therapy though I'd obviously gone down that line to a certain extent by buying a book I'd've rejected completely a while earlier. But just ways to start the creativity rolling in other ways than I had been doing. It was like I'd started the conversation I was having with the person myself a couple of days earlier as what she was talking about and what I'd actually started to think just kind of were there together.

And I know she's right about some of it. The therapy .. well I have no idea about that because of my negative approach to NLP which kind of meant that I never really learnt anything about it, and Bowen therapy which I have to say I'd never heard of until she mentioned it to me.

Just three or four sessions of each. Well, it's certainly worth trying.

Slowly but surely I think

Well,I ended up feeling pretty rough again yesterday. But, something is happening. I've woken up again today feeling better but I can still feel that things aren't right. Started doing some of the exercises I should be doing for my spine. Well, it's really more involved than that but ya gotta start somewhere!!!!

I don't know what to think really. I feel kind of uncomfortable at times and I know doing these exercises ain't going to be great but they've got to be done. I'll be doing a spot of yoga too but certainly won't be pushing it. Just do what I feel comfortable with.

I'm hoping today will be a pleasant day. It absolutely pissed down here yesterday. We had thunder and lightening too. Was sitting here listening to the wind splattering the rain against the windows, then the thunder rolling in with the lightening yesterday evening and thinking that it'd be nice for it to let up for today.

Was also hoping that it was absolutely bucketing it down in the South because there's a water shortage there now.

May be feeling a bit better.

Woke up feeling quite strange this morning but have got up and seem to have some energy back and am feeling better though not well.

Went to bed in the early hours this morning because I was listening to/watching music. Was watching Quo videos and Steve Earle and The Dukes.

Had been talking about the past and some of the strange coincidences that had happened in the last couple or years or so. I actually can't remember them all that well now, can remember some but some have just got lost. Maybe they'll return when I'm completely out of this kind of fog I've been in for the last week or so.

I don't know if I wish that I'd written about them somewhere so I could look back. I don't think it matters. I had wandered away from knowing about all that and thinking about it so it was good that I was reminded I guess. The feeling that there's something else to life other than what I used to believe has stayed without me thinking much about it. It's just a feeling that we continue to live/exist after death.

Don't really think about it much anymore though.

Maybe though it's just there all the time now.

Today

I found two nice pairs of trousers in the Scope charity shop here today and a couple of nice t shirts/tops, one a black one, slightly on the lines of the purple one I bought from the alternative shop ere, and a floral one too which is op artish and very nice. One of the pairs of trousers will have to be taken up. They're all summer things so roll on summer.

My teeth will be sorted when the stiffness from the anaesthetic has gone. They won't need to do that amount of work again so it'll be ok next time.

New ideas

Well, because of things other people have said my mind has been buzzing with new ideas and concepts over the past few days. I once said on one of my blogs, probably long deleted, that in a number of ways, things that scare a lot of people don't touch me that much, but ofcourse I do have my Achilles heel in a way that probably wouldn't worry most people. Kind of reverse situation!!!!

Well, during the past few days I've had to think about some of these things because I hadn't really thought things through very much or to their possible conclusions. People seemed to think I should be pleased with the way they saw things but I just realised that I'd have to do some hard adjusting.

But otherwise just carry on being me.

Talking

Yesterday, for the first time, I told someone honestly about what had gone on in my childhood and how I feel about it. And talked about my family in general. And went into the five years where I had just really lost it for a while and how I feel about that when I look back.

I said that when my father died I grieved for a couple of hours that night, thinking about what life might have been like if he'd been a different kind of person. I felt sorry that a human being had died, and was sorry for a wasted life. And that was that. He'd done his best to ruin my life and I did what I usually do when I hate someone and that is just stop thinking about them.

I was in recovery from the worst set of injuries through his last illness so I was spared having to deal with it though I did visit and I helped some from a distance. He had quite a bad time and as I had decided to stick around my family I decided to make some effort. If I hadn't it would have been for revenge and that would have been stupid and petty to say the least.


He was a sociopath, he was nasty and belittling with a smile on his face. He had no qualms about wrecking people's lives. He could be very charming when he wanted to impress.

He was actually nice to me the last few times we talked, asked a bit about what I thought about death, the future of the world. Told me he thought I was very brave and that I had got what it takes, whatever that means.

As this was completely out of character, he'd only ever said one thing nice to me in his life before and that was partly to put someone else down, I put it down to all the pain medication he was on. Though ofcourse it might have been said purely to manipulate me into not vanishing totally for those final months of his life. Who knows.

The first time someone mentioned that he had a severe personality disorder that could be termed as sociopathic I didn't know what it meant. A psychologist friend told me when I mentioned some of the things that had happened in the family. It took a few more years before I really found out what that meant and understood the different ways this might show itself. I learnt the difference between inadequate and aggresive variations of this personality disorder.

There was a lot to talk about as far as the family went.

I also talked about my five years that were rather out of control. And a bit about how I felt about how I'd lived my life.

The person said but you did learn from it. And, yes, I got it all under control in the end, it took a bit of trying but I got there in the end.

She ended up saying that she thought I was a lovely woman. I said that I have guilt about parts of my life and had often wished that I could go back and change things. I felt that I'd fucked up quite a bit at times.

I don't want to go into therapy cause I can't see what it would do. I had therapy after the worst set of injuries but hadn't really needed to talk about that so we talked about my family life and later relationships but didn't get into it very deeply because I hid a lot.

I think really it's best as far as my birth family goes if I just learn the lessons from it all and leave it behind.

Out in the country

I was out walking around the common and down by the river again today. I'm much steadier on my feet and walked a steep slope and didn't need branches to cling to all the way down so that I could keep my balance. It wasn't that easy because I wasn't wearing walking shoes, just the velvet Mary Janes, and didn't have much grip on the earth. But I made it, if I hadn't all that would have happened is that I'd've ended up on my arse and got a little muddy.

It's a mass of greenery and flowers down there now. I was walking down there and it brought back memories of visiting a fairytale park in Germany when I was a child. It was the density of the greenery that brought back the memories again. Used to visit a fairytale park that was a wood that had fairytale houses in it. It was really nice. There used to be lots of blueberries growing in the area. It's strange that I remember that because it wasn't til years later that I actually tasted blueberries. Guess I must have asked what they were and was told but I didn't pick any to try. Many, many years later I eventually got to taste some. I just don't know why it took so long.

I was out for quite some time and it was good exercise as I walked through longish grass which needed more energy than just walking on short grass or out on the pavement. And the surface was quite varied so it was rather a workout. And there was just that bit of climbing.

It really was nice being out.

And ...

I won't have any trouble with the dentist because I have a tiny bit of scar tissue in my lips which usually isn't noticeable. Because of the way the teeth have .. er .. been shaved, the worst one is next to where the lip is slightly damaged and because it then dips down it really shows.

So, I'll have no trouble. What has happened is obvious.

Woot.

Be phoning the dental association tomorrow to get as much information and advice as I can .. especially about the safe removal of bridges. But obviously about making sure that I make as good a complaint in writing as I can because I just want this sorted.

Why didn't he just leave the fucking thing. It was fine to start off with.

Getting ready to go

Well, the last two years have been quite a lesson in life haven't they. Again I thank all the people who came out and supported and helped me here.

The problem started because some people thought I was a hippy, as in UK traveller, that had arrived in town. Shall we say .. um .. not quite. I was wearing ethnic styled clothes that they hadn't seen before I guess. And I had my tote bags. By the time the trouble started the people causing it already knew that I was here looking after someone who was dying and they thought I was pretty much alone which would make me an easy target.

I'll soon be leaving. Been here longer than I thought because I've been ill myself.

It has eroded my trust in people some because I've seen so much. But then on the other hand some people have been so great.

Guess you have to learn both ways and take life as it comes.

So

I was told yesterday that generally I'm loved and well thought of. That professionally I'm really well respected in some places.

I don't know quite what that means really. There's such a mix of people out there and you can't win em all over or whatever.

I've never wanted to be liked by everyone to be honest. But there are always some people in life that you hope'll like you.

I was referred to as our little lemuure the other day. I hope that was tongue in cheek!!!!!

But I do understand what was being said. I find trust hard sometimes. At the moment I'm a bit cynical, along with millions, if not billions of others, I guess. One reason for this is watching the way some people will support you while they think you're supporting them, playing their game so to speak politically in a human rights context, but if you make any moves to suggest that tolerance and acceptance go across the board they will refuse to give up their own prejudices. They're really just out there for themselves and f*ck everyone else. There's nothing honest about their support and they'll turn on you if they're not getting what they want.

Other people will pretend to like you but then you find out they're actually there with their claws only partially sheathed in velvet and are ready to unsheath them anytime as they hang round waiting for you to make some kind of small mistake they can magnify so that they can rip you to shreds.

C'est la vie I guess.

Feeling a lot better

I'm feeling a lot better though still very sleepy. My mind is running ahead a bit too. There's energy back sort of priming me to do things but at the same time there's this kind of sleepiness around as well. I start thinking about things and then after a while I kind of feel like keeling over with sleepiness. Then the energy kicks back in after a while.

Yawn (!!!!)

So

I feel a bit guilty about my friend. I'd been agreeing to meet up for ages and had put it off. Both of us are pretty bad at keeping in touch I guess. But it was mainly me. But I want to stay friends and it's not going to happen if we don't ever speak to each other again!!!!! She'll be moving to Scotland soon with her husband and daughter and I'd just hate never to see her again.

I think we'll probably work together a bit. There was talk about that ages ago and I couldn't really get my head round it. But I'm there now. Probably do some illustrations for her and edit a bit to help things along.

We've known each other quite a long time now. But I've kept it on rather a business footing because I was just so tired and under the weather. But I do see her as someone I want to keep in my life and not just as a business acquaintance. She's twenty years or so younger than me but we get on well.

(And I can be a sort of adopted aunt/nan figure I guess too. All their relations are abroad and it's nice to have someone round like that. It was getting like that but I wouldn't meet up outside of her work!!!

Friends then.

She's been really understanding as well. And has even said that it hasn't just been me but to be honest I was the one putting just going out to get to know each other away from her work off.

I think we will work together even though she's going to Scotland. I couldn't have done it before. I'd just disconnected or something. Now it looks ok.

At least

At least it gives me something to get my teeth into. I must be feeling better in some respects. The thought of a legal battle quite entranced me for a couple of seconds as I got a bit bristly. I'm still not very musical though. But I did watch Steve Earle and The Dukes today and they didn't seem like creatures from a far flung solar system for too long. Ah zo that's a geetar is it??!!! Well, it wasn't that bad but my mind did feel a bit numbed compared to how I usually respond to things even when I'm tired or mid cold.

Thinks of another week of this in the near future and groans. There is no need to be concerned if things turn a trifle unusual after the next set of dental treatment. for a few days. It's just that parts of my brain have been somewhat anaethatised too.

Though hopefully they'll just cut the bridge off and then drill the remaining cement off the posts. It's included in the letter. And there won't be too much anaesthetic involved at all.

I really don't want it to happen again.

So.......

Guess they're just gonna have to cut the thing off and make me a new one.

Will be phoning the General Dental Council on Monday to see what's the safest way to go about it cause I don't want any more trouble.

The complaints procedure

I checked this morning and the dentist has shaved too much off the front of the bridge. He did this after I agreed to have what I'd seen cemented in. Other people have agreed with me.

So, I have written a letter of complaint, and told him that I will give the practice a chance to remedy the situation, ofcourse if it isn't it will end up in court. And had a quick word with a solicitor There isn't a complaints body for private dentists but there are the courts and publicity if he arses me around .. which I don't think he will. The guy that owns didn't actually do this and I think he's going to be rather annoyed.

Still you have to lay it on the line.

Er .... dontcha!!

It's nice to have to have studied law sometimes.

This is not what I agreed to. He said he was just going to correct the bite at the back of my teeth anyway which didn't give me any problems anyway. That looks ok. But then he did some work at the front and he's just drilled too much off.

Home

I was back in London today getting my teeth done. They're sorted now though I'm having a little bit of lightening done on the lower ones at some time because of the way the bridge colour is graded. They've been well done and are much better than my previous bridge. The old bridge gave me a slight pout because of it's strange irregularities. I now have all my teeth again too as this new bridge is the extended version I should have had done ages ago I guess.

I wasn't late but I had to get a taxi again from the station, though this time from Marylebone rather than Paddington, to get there on time. I was quarter of an hour early actually. Polishes nails on t shirt. But I guess I spoilt that by asking when I got there if it was the right day and time.

I explained that the anaesthetic had a bad effect on me and we decided to try without this time. There was some pain with some things that were done but I'd rather that than top up the effects that I'm still having from the anaesthetic. The pain is over now but if I'd had the anaesthetic I'd be still feeling the added effects. It's bad enough as it is without adding more trouble.

I've had quite a few shots of local anaesthetic in the last few weeks and quite a number of those last week. It's quite affected me. Anyway didn't have one today. I hoped I'd be able to manage without and fortunately I did. There are one or two other things to do but we're leaving them for now and they'll be spaced out. Not much to do though, no more two hour stints.

Afterwards I wandered around for a while, went up to where I used to live for a little while many, many years ago. Lived just off the common. I went to walk on the common but I just didn't feel well enough so turned off and walked over to where I'd once lived. It's a pagan household now. I looked over into the back and it is so beautiful. The whole place is just so lovely. I had a flat there and I just realised that I hadn't appreciated it at the time. People were unloading a sound system while I was there so we had a little chat and then I went and walked round the area a bit and again I realised just how lovely the area is and that I hadn't really noticed so much while I was there. Just out in the suburbs. I'll be living in the inner city when I go back which has it's pluses. But I did feel sad that I'd lived in such a lovely place and hadn't really realised.

The gardens are overflowing with flowers and trees. And it's so near a common. Long time since I've walked on that one because when I've been in London I haven't been over there much. It's actually greener than it is here when you're off the High Street in that area.

So I walked around a bit, chatted to a couple of people that I met for a while. People were really friendly off the High Street. People said hi and chatted and smiled. I think the headlines had dampened people a bit today though.

Loved the taxi ride in as we went over the Thames again, different route this time. Thought of Bbh because she'd've been going down part of that route if she'd be able to come over this year. But like the trip I've said I'll go on it'll have to wait a year.

Eventually I went to the health shop. No vegan sausage rolls again. I suppose this time because it's a Friday. There was the one aduki bean cottage pie there and I almost wondered if it was a display one because there's always just one there when I go in, but it looked real enough. They're not stocking the products in Camden but I'll try Old Street when I'm living there again. Alternatively I'll just have to learn to cook I guess.

I'm not very good at multi tasking in the kitchen!!!!

Anyway I did go to Camden and buy some prepared food for tonight from Fresh and Wild. The smell when you go in there is soooo nice but I buy food that's already packaged to take away rather than anything that's served up while you'e there. What I'd've liked from there had all gone too. Someone else had eaten it!!!!!! Who cares though.

And that was it. I wish I'd stayed the weekend now but I don't feel too good. I'm kind of cut off a bit or something because of this flipping anaesthetic. Best just to carry on sorting things out here for now.

But it was a good day regardless.

China via Brum

Went to Birmingham and met an old friend. We'll be meeting up one Sunday before she goes off to Scotland. Nice, because I was thinking of her last night and was sad that I wouldn't see her again. She said she'd been thinking of me a couple of weeks ago and had felt the same.

I told her about giving my Japanese things away because eventually I would like to learn Chinese. She said to come over to China this summer with her but I had to say no because I've really got to sort things out here this summer and get my health back. Next year though .. hopefully.

I like her and find her easy to chat to. There's no negative feelings hanging around. This doesn't mean that we agree about everything but the conversation never gets bogged down in calling people bitches and bastards etc because of jealousy or because someone's looking for some one to stitch up for some reason or other.

She wrote a couple of Chinese characters out for me and I gave her a first Dutch lesson. Let's hope things continue this way. Sort of one bit at a time. Just pleasant. She doesn't like intolerance either so the conversation just kinds of flows around a whole lot of things without getting into that scene. We have a similar sense of humour which helps too.

I found out that someone I know has gone abroad to work. I know she didn't really want to take that job because she'd hoped to work in China but it'll be brillian work experience for her for when she does go back. It's a bit difficult being in touch at the moment but it'll sort itself out somehow or other.

It's interesting to see how I've changed since we first met too. I was always friendly but kind of held back too and wasn't very sociable. I just had too much to cope with really I guess. I've changed and there aren't any problems at all now. Perhaps I was just so tired as well. There'd been a lot of stress in my life in the last few years and really I guess I just didn't want to get too involved a lot of the time. No thoughts like that even came into my mind today. just interested in thinking where we could meet up etc.

Work

That's what's bugging me at the moment.

A very busy week

It's been a very busy week for me really. Very different from usual though experienced through the haze left behind by the anaesthetic I had early last week at the dentists. A very pleasant surprise.

I know things are changing in society again anyway, at least in the States, though probably among the arty set in the main. I'll write more about it when I get back to London. Changing in Sweden too for that matter.

I've been wondering about my life some. Wondering what would have happened if my early years had been less abusive. I know that a lot of my life has been very self destructive and I guess a lot of it comes from those early years. Some how I've come through it though. Just coming out of from the recovery from the last bout I guess. I did want to die at times as I couldn't cope with what had happened in one part of my life and had to have time to mourn. It has changed me forever. Not that I didn't know but whatever else had happened nothing had cut me through and through like his death did. Not the things that had happened to me. Nothing. I'm writing about how I feel in a very abreviated way. It's very different in my thoughts.

This morning I got up and was pleased to sort out a healthy breakfast. Though I did burn the porridge as I was a bit preoccupied with other thoughts.

But a lot better

I'm still not over the effects of the anaesthetic. Guess it was a lot in the same area because I was at the dentists for a couple of hours. I knew it'd affected me but I hadn't realised quite how much. It's starting to noticeably get better now. Just in time to go down again!!!! Though it won't be the same this time. The last visit was an exception as there was a lot to do. Luckily I didn't have to have the extra surgery that the dentist thought I might have to have if something he tried didn't work. It did so I didn't have to have that as well. Won't be much to do on my next visit.

The anaesthetic sure made my muscles stiffen up in my face and neck. Still it's all easing and getting better now.

My other problems are improving too. My walking's almost back to how it was.

Mood wise I've just been coasting over the last few days. I woke up one morning feeling rather pissed off with things. Think I felt it so vividly because the real clamp down effect from the anaesthetic was starting to wear off. And, whoosh, all those little neurons were starting to fire again.

Things still aren't back to how they were though. But I can still feel that I'm a bit swollen so I guess I wouldn't really expect them to be. I'm a bit hestitant about things at times at the moment when I guess I normally wouldn't be. Still, things have definitely improved today.

It has been a healthy eating day as well. And I've been drinking enough water which I guess is probably really important at the moment. For a few days I was finding it difficult to be bothered about food. Guess because one of the effects of the anaesthetic was to just flatten my emotions and thoughts. I've become more interested as the effects have been slowly wearing off. And I've been thinking about health and healthy eating. After all it's going to affect everything I do. Today I just bought a load of healthy stuff cause I think feeling better is really a priority now.

Still not feeling right

But a lot better. Just in time to go back to the dentists again. Well, it's not til Friday and then I won't be there for long. Hopefully by Friday I'll be fine. Through this my walking's been ok. Not totally back to how things were but so very different from how they have been for a while. Guess with all the anaesthetic it was a bit like having two head colds at the same time ... or something. It made my muscles in my head and neck a bit stiff too. Not totally back but on my way.

Anger

I woke up in a strange mood yesterday. I thought that I was very angry but couldn't really pinpoint what was wrong. And I didn't really want to talk about it. Perhaps it was just as well because I don't think I'd've been very clear about what was going on and I'd've probably just become more muddled.

It was just a general pissed off feeling. Just looking out at the world again I guess. I know that on a personal level I don't have much to complain about.

Changes

I have to say that the last week or so has been quite an eye opener in the opposite way from what I've been writing about over my stay here. I've met so many people that don't have their lives invested in trying to mess up other peoples. Rather the opposite.

Perhaps I needed an indepth lesson about the other side first. Not that I didn't know but maybe I needed to see it through while being detached.

I've met so many people that are just interested in me, want to know me. And who don't have any issues at all with me. And are so encouraging. And this is in this country. People of all ages etc etc.

And

And I know my health isn't too bad now. I just got to keep on looking after myself. I do feel better in quite a lot of ways.

Support

I have to say that I've had some wonderful support over the last few days. I've got a cold and I had a lot more anaesthetic that I usually have at the dentists. I'm just tired. People have been great and supportive and encouraging.

I'm told that I sound like myself but I do feel sleepy at the moment.

Sleepy

I'm just tired at the moment and I'm a bit itchy around the gills. Guess it's something to do with all the anaesthetic I had on Tuesday. Still no pain though which is good. I go back next week for the bridge to be fitted. The dentist said he thought it'd be more trouble than it was worth to have a temporary fitted. It's just a few extra days anyway and I don't want any more problems.

I don't feel that bad, just sleepy and a little itchy.

Yawn. Clunck. Snore.

Creativity

Someone asked me why I seem to start projects and then just walk away and leave them unfinished the other day. I have been one for doing this in the past I have to admit. This and something I read on one of the boards I belong to got me thinking.

Someone wrote about how they'd like to belong to some sort of artistic community. And I started wondering how being around other creative people inspires me. I guess it does quite a lot really especially if that creativity is there in everyday communication. I can't really explain what I mean by that right now because I really only started thinking about it yesterday though I think I know what I mean. But, I haven't thought it through much yet.

A couple of evenings ago.

It's strange that you can talk to someone and feel as if you have known them for ever. Even with some of the experiences I've had in my life I guess there's still a lot of the sceptic in me about some things. Don't know why really because if I accept them then I have to accept that there's other things to learn out there too.

This person seemed to know so much about me, and not about things I've talked about. And she was just so easy to talk to. And we found out that we had a few things in common in our lives too. We're going to stay in touch. It was what she knew that totally amazed me. Too much just for lucky guesses. Not just on a psychological level either.

She'd just pull things out of the air that didn't have a connection with what I'd said.

Huh. Humph. Huh. And all that.

I've talked to people who say they're psychic before and have always left not convinced at all. But this time my little sceptic brain was left in a bit of a spin. Either the goddess of totally lucky guesses was really there that evening or she really could read me like that. There was no chance that she could have found out these things somewhere before hand. A lot of the things she mentioned I haven't talked about and she had no idea that she was going to meet me that evening. Or knew people that I know.

We really got on as well. Before all this really started happening I'd felt very easy talking to her and the feeling that I knew her well was already there.

Explain all this. Because I can't.

London

I had a nice time really. Just pleasant being back again. Spent some time on Norbury station watching someone doing Tai Chi. He was wearing a top with a picture of Che Guevara on the back. Someone else came past wearing something similar but with a picture of Bob Marley on the back of his jacket. A young woman was relaxing taking in the sun.

I like the station. There're lots of trees and bushes near the platform past the rail lines and a longish patch of earth as you get towards the end of the platform I was on, the one for trains going back to into the heart of the city, which sort of reminded me of being near the sea because of its appearance, but it's covered in wild flowers. Mainly shepherds purse and chickweed at the moment but there there are a few heartsease growing there too.

I'd walked down from Marylebone station earlier in the day, past Regents Park and through to Warren Street Station. Wished I could spend some time in the park but there wasn't time. I'd watched as we passed the park when I had to get the taxi the other day.

I just like being back. I know the hassles of living in the city and the problems there are but it sure has it's plus side too.

Meditation

Someone suggested that I starting meditating in a different way than I have been. I'd read a little while ago that meditation can make changes in how you use your brain. I haven't got the article here at the moment but I was quite impressed and intrigued by what I read.

Yesterday was really interesting. I found my art had improved again without me really having done anything to change things. I just started sketching again in biro copying what things that were infront of me while I waited for someone. I was really surprized but there you go. Maybe I've been taking things in and sorting things out in my brain without realizing it.

I'm still as tired as ever though. The down side of yesterday was that I was probably feeling worse than I needed to because I hadn't eaten much for the last couple of days which right now is probably not a good idea.