Talking

Yesterday, for the first time, I told someone honestly about what had gone on in my childhood and how I feel about it. And talked about my family in general. And went into the five years where I had just really lost it for a while and how I feel about that when I look back.

I said that when my father died I grieved for a couple of hours that night, thinking about what life might have been like if he'd been a different kind of person. I felt sorry that a human being had died, and was sorry for a wasted life. And that was that. He'd done his best to ruin my life and I did what I usually do when I hate someone and that is just stop thinking about them.

I was in recovery from the worst set of injuries through his last illness so I was spared having to deal with it though I did visit and I helped some from a distance. He had quite a bad time and as I had decided to stick around my family I decided to make some effort. If I hadn't it would have been for revenge and that would have been stupid and petty to say the least.


He was a sociopath, he was nasty and belittling with a smile on his face. He had no qualms about wrecking people's lives. He could be very charming when he wanted to impress.

He was actually nice to me the last few times we talked, asked a bit about what I thought about death, the future of the world. Told me he thought I was very brave and that I had got what it takes, whatever that means.

As this was completely out of character, he'd only ever said one thing nice to me in his life before and that was partly to put someone else down, I put it down to all the pain medication he was on. Though ofcourse it might have been said purely to manipulate me into not vanishing totally for those final months of his life. Who knows.

The first time someone mentioned that he had a severe personality disorder that could be termed as sociopathic I didn't know what it meant. A psychologist friend told me when I mentioned some of the things that had happened in the family. It took a few more years before I really found out what that meant and understood the different ways this might show itself. I learnt the difference between inadequate and aggresive variations of this personality disorder.

There was a lot to talk about as far as the family went.

I also talked about my five years that were rather out of control. And a bit about how I felt about how I'd lived my life.

The person said but you did learn from it. And, yes, I got it all under control in the end, it took a bit of trying but I got there in the end.

She ended up saying that she thought I was a lovely woman. I said that I have guilt about parts of my life and had often wished that I could go back and change things. I felt that I'd fucked up quite a bit at times.

I don't want to go into therapy cause I can't see what it would do. I had therapy after the worst set of injuries but hadn't really needed to talk about that so we talked about my family life and later relationships but didn't get into it very deeply because I hid a lot.

I think really it's best as far as my birth family goes if I just learn the lessons from it all and leave it behind.