Or

At least it won't be for some time. It's been bloody hard.

But if something interesting comes up. I suppose ..............................

Moving on

I was actually much happier before the last batch of coincidences, call them what you will, and the things that have happened. I'd accepted that there did seem to be more than what was apparent to life and was content to leave it at that.

Now, I somehow have to accept my own experiences and carry on with life as it is. Spirituality is lived here after all.

In some ways I'm feeling a bit peeved because I was quite happy with things as they were before and I'm feeling rather unsettled now. But I'm sure it's only a temporary thing.

I think the best thing to do is to put one of the language dvds on and just get back on with things.

I'll be emailing the guy who I was told about who sees this type of thing from the same kind of viewpoint that I do. And I have other contacts now too in the same vein. Before the only people I had heard of who might see things this way were the people at the Arthur Koestler Institute who I said I'd contact ages ago though never did.

Groundwork

I spent a lot of time and money going through all this. Have to admit it wasn't all for purely altruistic reasons but it's left me with a lot of information and knowledge as a starting point .

It's been very helpful to me and I just hope that the little I've told people will help.

The esoteric experience

I've written a bit about esoteric experiences here and on the board and I've decided to leave what I've written up but that I'm not going to write anymore about it.

I'm going to be talking to people who have a serious though not relgious interest in things like this. I'm far from alone in what I've been experiencing over the past few years. Only one of the experiences has been what appeared to be a vision and I've heard no voices at all. All the things have been day to day experiences that have taken on meaning because of the strange coincidences that have happened. Often going to exactly the right place and sometimes at exactly the right time, when there were plenty of choices, to pick up information that I wanted to know at the time. Usually information that would have been quite hard to come by. Well, that's just part of it. I deleted things that I wrote earlier on when I started blogging which had more to do with me turning up over and over again to help people through series of events and other things too.

I decided to write about this again because I thought it might help people who experience similar things and get worried. You're not alone at all. I've spoken to a few other people about it nowayw and many people have these experiences.

I'm leaving writing now because I'm going to be talking to people who are seriously interested in this kind of thing and I think as I'm going to be hearing about other people's experiences it's best just to leave it.

I felt frightened and alone when they first started happening to me. And, it seemed the more I tried to dismiss them, the more they happened, to start off with. I ended up challenging the universe, or whatever you want to call entirity of the existance we're a part of, and the experiences kept on coming on.

I think it's true to say that I've never felt so frightened in my whole life. And, coming from me that is really something. I also felt very, very alone. As if what was happening was cutting me off from what I'd got used to knowing as my everyday life. It was scary because they were factual events and I couldn't continually dismiss them. And with the way I approach life this was very hard for me to understand as I view things from what I see as a scientific standpoint and these experiences were coming from outside of this. But because of the repetition in the end I couldn't dismiss them.

Mine are there in everyday experiences and obviously that would be the only thing that I would believe in my life.

I'm leaving it now as far as blogging and writing on the boards in public because I think that I've written enough to help other people if they find themselves in this situation because it can be frightening and can make you feel isolated in your experience.

Wheels

I hope to be back on the road by the end of the year. People seem to think that'll be about how it is.

It' not possible at the moment. I mean I'm back at being a fledgling pedestrian really after six months having me foot playing up all the time.

The foot is holding out.

But today ain't good. My head's been a little cotton woolly for a couple of days cause I've got another slight chill. Should've gone to bed earlier last night.

Been feeling woolly and a bit distant for a couple of days. Thought I had a cold coming on and I have. Doesn't seem too bad though.

Sitting here in the early hours

I got up a while back and have been sitting here, quite relaxed I guess, listening to Dr John. Played through Gris-Gris and now Walk On Guilded Splinters is on repeat for a while until I go back to try and get another couple of hours rest.

I feel relaxed but there's a feeling of restlessness too as I try and make sense of some of the things that have happened. Probably some kind of wanting to escape rather than have to sit and think about them.

I was reasonably content with the feeling that there was something more than the life that we can see. I was happy to just get on with things, with a kind of feeling that things are different from what I'd believed before.

Awww. I'm gonna go and get some sleep. Couple more hours will do.

That's what I should be doing now, not sitting here writing and going through all this again.

Passive aggressiveness

I'm thinking of someone's blog .. RF .. Wonders if I now have the same readers. You never .. deleted .. know, do you.

Though there it's more just aggressiveness though there's a bit of the old passive aggression thrown in now and then. But going through RF and kind of expanding in thought it takes me to places where I've seen quite a lot going on.

RF asked a question that I didn't answer but I will off that board about people who verbally attack you and then try and manipulate, sorry, win you round to their way of thinking. It's just another way of doing the power over thing. You didn't take much notice of the out aggressive shit so they try another way.

They'll turn as soon as they think they can get away with it. Make what they see as one little mistake, or show what they see as some kind of vulnerability and they'll be back there to get the aggression going again.

If you catch on to it, you can just sit back and watch while they waste their time running round and round in circles and you can just leave em to it while you go off and get on with something you'd prefer to be doing. Because after a while, however hard you try, they just become very, very boring.

Or something.

Experience not emperience

Edited!!! hehe

This morning has been quite strange on the net. I've had to do quite a bit of editing, guess it's cause I'm so sleepy.

But, I've also had to do quite a lot of self monitoring.

Whoops!!!!

It's been quite a funny morning in some ways, at least this end.

Experience

I have a hard time accepting experiences that aren't easily explainable. Like the ones I've been mentioning on the board. Other people don't seem to have the difficulties I do. I think I am starting to understand that they are everyday experiences and not to be frightened of. A coincidence however strange and in however long a run is just that. Nothing to be scared of. Other people talk about their experience and can accept it as being part of life and not to be scared.

Just the way the universe works.

Edited

Last post edited to edit some of the awful editing. And ..... I didn't reread all of it. Just too tired at the moment.

The walk yesterday

I started off by going into the field over the bridge near Jephson gardens on the side of town where the sports centre is. That is where I met the woman and her dog who I spent the next three hours or so rambling round Newbold comyn and the woods with. The hill we climbed was called Campion Hill.

The first field has short grass but the one next to it has tall grasses growing, some taller than me ,but there're lots of paths you can walk on through there. We met a young couple from Coventry who had come in for the day. I guess I could've asked them about those woods that I'd seen on my weekly taxi rides in that way.

Anyway, we left that side of the river and went down into the wooded area on the other side. Went past the old tree that had come down and been sawn up. There's a very large stump from the tree trunk there. The woman told me that the tree had been one of the oldest oak trees in Leamington. Further down the path she pointed out a fox hole to me that I'd walked past many times but hadn't noticed.

We walked down until we came to the Sports centre and then went over to the other side on the road there and over to Campion Hill and spent quite a lot of time walking in the woods and climbing around the hills there. We saw a bike park where the kids can bike and went off further into the woods around there. She told me that there'd once been an old Victorian House and gardens there though now it was an overgrown wood with a few pathways through it.

Eventually we got back to the golfing green near where we'd started off to climb the hill and stopped for a drink in the club house gardens there. She told me that round there had once been a farm.

While we were walking she'd talked about the trees, showing me the poplar tree with it's leaves side by side and little black buds. And the ash tree and she rustled the leaves to show the noise it makes when there's a wind blowing. I don't know that much about trees, not like I do about the flowers. She told me other things too but I've forgotten now.

Today when I was out it felt a little different because I was noticing more. I went into the woods where we'd been yesterday and saw some beech nut wrappings on the ground and looked around and saw that the tree there wasn't a beech but then I looked further up and there was this huge beech tree there with it's branches stretched out way above me.

Some of the paths are becoming overgrown now so I couldn't go everywhere I'd've liked to.

She told me that you could walk through to Offchurch through these fields and woods. It was too late to do that yesterday.

Experience

One thing people often ask me is if I would've liked my life to be different. Not to have been so "interesting" shall we say. "Interesting" as in the Chinese saying May You Live In Interesting Times. Well, it's something like that, maybe not word for word, but that's the gist of it.

I do think about it sometimes and I can't really say that I would have. The dificulty comes when looking back at it and knowing that if it'd been different, easier, the person sitting here would be thinking and feeling differently from the me that's here now. I can't imagine what I'd be like. I know we're a sum of a lot of different things, genes, experiences, wear and tear, influences etc. But I know that my life has made a big impact on the way I see things and if they hadn't happened I wouldn't be the person I am now. I'd be someone that I wouldn't recognise.

I mean I'm a combination of a lot of different things, just like everybody, some things I like about myself .. and somethings I don't. Somethings haven't changed much from how I remember myself as much younger but somethings certainly have.

The world isn't a fluffy place. It would be nice ofcourse if it was, but it isn't. No, I don't regret my experiences in it. They've taught me a lot.

Though at the moment I'm having to work through one of my little traits. Brought home to me yesterday.

Ch..ch..changes

Strange how a piece of information given to you by a complete stranger can change how you see things. I'm sitting here just travelling through a mixture of emotions and I don't really know what the outcome is going to be yet. Just how I'm going to feel.

The trouble is how I'm looking at things is all based on past experiences and I don't know if what I'm thinking has anything to do with the present. Might do, might not. Who knows.

Some of what I was told was good, it showed me that I was looking at some things through a much too narrow sight and that I hadn't really been looking that carefully at the whole picture. It suddenly clicked into place when I was thinking about it by myself. Horizons need to be broadened. Or something. I wasn't really seeing what I had to do. It is much easier than how I saw things but it changes them a bit.

But the other thing she told me. And, I had guessed this to some extent. No, that's wrong, I was almost sure about it but didn't know. The other thing means I have to really sit down and think about a few things. I wasn't too happy having what I'd thought confirmed because it'd just been an opinion based on some of the things I'd seen happening and some of these were hardly that interesting and could've been read a number of different ways. But there was still this idea drifting through my mind that this is what was happening. If not now, in the very near future.

It's really made me realise that I have to stop and think. Maybe a storm in a teacup. Maybe not. It's just that I realise that my life will change once again and out of all the changes that have been coming in or might be coming in this might be one that I'll find hard to compromise on.

But, it may be that I haven't had time to really think and that it'll only take time to make things ok.

Most of this has been good and has made a difference in a good way but this last bit may be a bit problematic because of things in my past.

Maybe not, have to see.

Still no point in deciding before I know.

Huh

Snort ... snerk .... or whatever!!!

Biker grrrrrl

Was talking last night about getting back on the road. Ofcourse the first reaction is being on a bike can be dangerous. Well, yes I know that but on the other hand the close friends and relatives who've died on the road have been in cars or in one case on a zebra crossing infront of a bus where the driver was too busy chatting to see where the fuck he was going.

I've never had an accident on a bike and neither has any one I've been riding pillion with. I've had more problems on the pavement as a pedestrian. Y'know ribs and all that.

So, as soon as my muscles are back to normal, I'm off to the doctor for a health check and then hopefully back on the road again after a bit of practice.

Crystal clear .... or what

Maybe everything was clear, maybe there was no more pain involved, but who knows.

So,

Just moving on. Sometimes you touch lives with people and it means so much. This time it probably meant saving my life in a different way from other times, but saving it all the same. And hoping that some of this was returned to go back the other way in a hard time too.

But there were problems and things that I didn't understand. And I know that went all ways, not just here.

So, I just have to leave it and hope that everyone will be able to find a path in life where there is happiness.

Because it was starting to take my life over a bit and then this morning I realised it was really starting to do my head in too.

Psychics

A few months ago I read an interesting story in the press where someone who is supposed to have psychic abilities helped the police locate something to do with a crime. It seemed quite astonishing and I was going to blog about it but just pushed it to the back of my mind. Obviously though it's stayed logged in as a memory while a lot of other things that I've read have been forgotten.

I became interested again after speaking to someone who seemed to know quite a bit about "me" without having met or spoken to me before and who actually had no knowledge that I existed on this planet before that evening if you know what I mean. So off I went on a journey of exploration. I wasn't impressed on the whole to be honest. But there were a small number of people who surprized little cynical me.

I was aware that a lot of the information that was supposedly coming from somewhere else was actually phishing which was then redirected back at me. Other stuff was just soo wrong that I got fed up with having to listen to it especially when it was combined with phishing.

But there were a number of people who managed to come up with information that knocked me back a bit. I also became aware that the information they were passing on had to be filtered through their own personalities and world view. A couple of times I realised that people had got things spot on but were just interpretting things differently from the way I would have described it myself. Interpretting through their own life experiences and views. And I accept for some it might have been a little confusing to have me at the end of the phone.

I got a lot of very sound practical advice .... from some. Talking this over with someone else they said they'd been impressed with the practical information and advice they'd had from these types of people. I met some very nice people and some with personalities that were unpleasant.

I made one prediction when I first wrote about this. Not from having any psychic abilities but rather from a knowledge of certain types of human personality. I would like to say that all the studying and experience was not in vain and I was proved right.

And back

Posting things in the wrong order.

Yippie!!!

No for long though

Back again!!!!

Blogger's doon

Well it ain't correcting spelling mistakes when you try to edit. Guess it'll just take a bit of time though.

Still haven't moved. I've blogs set up from the time when there were rather a lot of outages. But I'm still here!!

Today ... well, that describes it as well as anything .. so ..

Woke up this morning feeling a bit out of it and really tired. I'd had a very slight sore throat the evening before, but it'd been so slight that I hadn't really thought much about it. I guess it has something to do with this morning's blearyness.

I didn't hurry to get out and soon realised that I'd be getting a taxi into Coventry. Someone here smiled and waved when they saw me in the taxi so I guess I'd been caught being late yet again. This time I was later than the previous two times and got to the house five minutes late. Not much I know but I didn't feel too good about it. In Holland being late is considered much ruder than it is here and I still haven't managed to sort it out. Though it was just considered an eccentricity of mine I guess. A sort of inability to be on time anywhere half the time. It's usually because I'm interested in something else and I misjudge the time. How I misjudge the time after all the years, heaven knows, but I do.

Anyway, the lady was running late, much later than me and I had twenty minutes or so to sit round and relax. I didn't feel too good though, was feeling a bit achy. Foot was ok though. I'm still having trouble believing that's ok and I guess there's something in me waiting for it to go back to how it was before this treatment started. But it hasn't.

Anyway my time came and we chatted for a while. She said I seemed a bit different from the previous two times I'd been there. I was much more animated before with a lot to chat about, this time I was quieter and slower. I said I didn't feel too well and was a bit achy again. I told her about the chocolate. All my cravings for it have gone. I said that I often didn't really like it anyway. And, she said, "Yeah, it's just an addiction" which is quite right. I guess I knew that because I often didn't like it that much. She asked if I thought it was the therapy. I said that I thought it might be. It's either that or some of the other experiences I've been having with alternative people. I put it down to the Bowen therapy and she said that something similar and totally out of the blue had happened before. I know this therapy has produced some quite amazing changes, the most obvious being in my left foot. How it does this I can't work out because not that much happens during the therapy but obviously it's down to knowing what to do.

I've been watching a bit of a foot massage dvd. I'd read in one of the papers or on a news site that reflexology seems to have some basis in fact so I've decided it'd be a cool thing to learn alongside massage which I'll be studying again. Though I can still remember everything I learnt. I have seen how massage can help relieve pain and make people feel a better. It's a cool thing to be able to do. Was it Bbhalelea who said that the combination of massage and reflexology relaxes her into a really good place. When I was looking after my dying relative it was one of the things I used to try and take away some of what she was going through. It helped, that and the music.

When I left I was feeling a lot better, the aching had gone and my mood was much better. She said that my eyes looked a lot better than when I'd arrived. I give a donation when I go. I know she has two people who she's treating for free and giving money can clear space for someone else for a little while as well. The lady herself was helped through an illness with this therapy.

For me, I know that I have to combine this with eating well, drinking enough water and resting and exercising sensibly.

I went to the health shop and bought a slice of curried bean pie which turned out to be really nice and a few other bits and pieces of vegan stuff. The chocolate didn't appeal at all. They stock some vegan truffles that are really nice but I wasn't interested at all. Infact the picture in my mind has probably made sure that chocolate won't be too popular in the future.

Wandered around the charity shops and was a little surprized to see that they had much the same in as they had the week before. I'm afraid I didn't change that. Then walked back to Coventry station and got the train into Brum. Didn't do much. Wandered around some. Some people were really cool and nice to me. Went to the Chinese shop and bought a few things that had a slightly gothy camp arty feel about them. I was trying to think of the word I want there but it just won't come into my head so that description will have to do.

The shop has been quite an education in some ways. I'd never seen anything like some of the things they've stocked. Wandered around just taking the sights in. I quite like Birmingham and I won't be here much longer.

First you have to wait for ....

First you have to wait for the oven to heat up. It's almost enough to make me want to go and lie down again, but as that was what caused the problem to start off with I think I'll sit it out. Don't want to fall asleep again.

I was out in the woods for a while today. It was very atmospheric. I didn't go far in from the road, just enough to be surrounded by the trees. I remembered the article in New Scientist some time ago that mentioned the chemicals that are released by trees that apparently have an effect on people. I blogged about it at the time, don't know if that belongs to one of my deleted blogs or if it's still there. Might go back and have a look some time, but not this morning as I'm rather on the sleepy side. Still got a little bit of a cold too.

I found my time out had quite an effect on my senses. Taking in the greenery, which apparently is meant to have a calming effect, think I blogged about that too, but that might have gone in one of the deletions. The difference between sunlit parts of the wood and those in shade where the greenery was much darker was quite apparent. My mind was just reacting to all the stimulus as I walked around. I stayed quite a while in some places.

Took in the flowers as I walked around. Saw my first mallows in flower this year. Also found a lot of cranesbills, meadow ones too. It's how I like my garden. There's lots of Herb Bennett round here too. I accidentally had that growing in my garden because someone had packaged the wrong wild flower seeds in one of the packets I bought once. Can't remember what I thought it was going to be. Maybe campions because I didn't have any growing and I like them so I'm sure I'd've ordered some seeds.

Time to go and sort dinner out.

The best laid plans and all that

After a chat this morning I'd decided that I really had to sort out when I sleep. I mean I'm all over the place, happy to be up at three in the morning, sometimes going back to bed to get up at midday. So, someone pointed out to me today that I'm really messing up my body clock. And, yeah, that's what I'm doing.

So, I thought I'd start getting this sorted this evening. Eleven is a good time to go to bed. Yeah, that sounded reasonable enough, and then up again at seven or so. No getting up in the early hours anymore, or staying up through the night, or whatever. My body clock needs to know when I'm going to sleep. Get itself back into some kind of habit again.

So, what do I do. I got back in at around seven thirty this evening,thought I'd have a rest cause I was feeling tired. I must've dozed off and then when I woke up went to pick up the papers from the hall to look through. Guess it was the country cd and the film dvd that called me more than anything but anyway I did read through them. There's another one sitting out there, but it can wait to later to be read.

It's now coming up to one in the morning and I've got to go and make dinner because I haven't eaten that much and I've got to at the moment to try and keep healthy. And yesterday was a bit of a backslide because the hot weather introduced me back to the coolness of some soya ice cream. And just the sensation of coldness in the heat made me eat more than I normally would.

Tonight, hopefully, I'll be sorted out by eleven or so. It was suggested that I tried winding down half an hour or so before bedtime too. I might get some chamomille tea as well and have a cup of that as it's meant to help you sleep. Don't know if it does or not but there's no harm trying. Maybe I'll go down the winding down and relaxation route first though. You never know, after all I did manage to sleep through a whole night a few days ago.

And meditation. This morning I noticed that I was kind of centred in a different part of my brain than I am when I usually meditate. It was very different than the quick relaxation method I've been using for so many years. Have to see how this progresses and find out the differences and whether the two can be combined separately or whether they'll just kind of become one form of meditation naturally.

I've no idea.

Anyway, that's for later. Now, I'm off to make dinner. I've got some frozen roast potatoes, some peeled tinned tomatoes and some savoury veggie burgers. Tht'll be easy enough to do this morning. So, I'll take my still sleepy self out there and get on with it.

And won't forget that all important glass of water!!

Part 2

I have described my 30 second sniffling as crying but it's not really, is it. So, I'll go back and put inverted commas around it to separate it from breaking down in tears which is what I see as crying. Or maybe I should just describe my sniffling as crying as opposed to Crying with a capital C which is how I'd like to react sometimes. In my mind I just imagine that it'd be more relaxing because of what I've read about the effects of crying. But maybe I'm wrong.

Occasionally a tear will just slide down my cheeks when I think back. Silent.

I just said that I'd shed a few tears over a few seconds. That's just how it is. And that'll only happen very occasionally.

Crying

I haven't cried for years. 20 years? Something like that or thereabouts. I can manage about 30 seconds slight sniffling. Doesn't matter how I feel I can't cry. It's been a great strength for some years. It's not something that I was taught but something that just wore down over the years. It was really good for a while.

But now I don't need this anymore. And I really want to be able to cry again. Not that I ever did that much, but occasionally I would just let things go. It's meant to be a good release, to let out chemicals that can cause stress or something.

I have shed a few tears for a few seconds over T's death. For about thirty seconds or so, three or four times. And that is a lot for me. As I said, I don't cry anymore, I literally don't seem to be able to. I can remember the last time I did cry. It was over someone's death. And never again since then all those years ago.

I feel a lot. I mean I know that because of the things I do. But I don't cry. I can be very relaxed though/and alert in very difficult situations. It's almost as if the tears have been channelled into other forms of thought or emotion.

I've been wondering if the Bowen therapy would change this and maybe make it easier for the tears to come just as a release. I mean I don't want to be crying a lot or anything like that, but just sometimes I think that it'd be a good alternative way of reacting to some things.

Maybe there's been some change in the wiring in my brain or something though.

I've got a bit unnerved by the thought of some work and I really thought that tears were going to flow but they haven't. It was after a conversation and I was left feeling rather jittery. Though it would be rather ironic if this reduced me to tears but maybe it'll take something like that which is rather far removed from the memories and thoughts in my mind that you'd think would leave me crying at least sometimes.

I mean I guess it must be some kind of rewiring in my brain that happened as a result of repeated and rather extreme stress that I couldn't react to in an emotional way, at least not with tears and/or fear. A sort of survival tactic that kind of evolved. Very useful one, but one I don't think I need anymore in all situations.

I'm still wondering if the Bowen therapy will change things. I don't want it changed much but just a little I guess. If I had cried when I got nervous about some work, I wonder how it would change things. Would I have felt different. I don't know.

What did happen was that there was a kind of fear of not being able to do it with slowly allowing myself to relax and realise that I just needed to start doing it.

Grounding

The argument I had was centred around the word grounded. I thought it meant that the person thought I wasn't grounded as in coping with the world as best I can. What she actually meant was that I wasn't grounded in that I was letting psychic experiences come into my life without taking any control or I guess responsibility for allowing them in.

The latter never occured to me as I can't tell the future for anyone. Or tell them anything about their pasts and things.

So we were talking about two different things. I was rather relieved later on that day when someone else used the word as I had. But obviously the first conversation was in rather a different context.

...........

And, I've worked out why I wouldn't write what I was going to right now. Talked about it with someone and they've got me now. It really worried me for a while because I'd really forgotten the underlying reasoning.

Edited for bad English!!!!!!

It's going to be tough

But I'm getting myself back in gear so to speak. When I get back I'm going to my GP to ask for tests to see if I can get back on the road again. As soon as I'm feeling healthy that's where I want to be.

Over to Amsterdam for a couple of weeks, which'll be great and such a change for me. As will being back in London. I'm just in some kind of rut that I don't quite understand at the moment. I need to move on.

The last couple of weeks have been very strange and the strangeness got more and more involved. To me it's just taught me that I have freedom of will and freedom of choice. You just would not believe the series of coincidences that ran through my life. Never happened like that before and very strange, but I have to raise an eyebrow and get me head into gear.

Life goes on and me house in London is there waiting. And lots of things to see and do to stimulate my interest and curiousity. And to think about and react to. And to learn from. And to write and about and to illustrate through art. And anything.

Fascinating.

(Goes to clean fridge out!!!!!)

Other boards

Slowly wanders into other boards that I've been missing from for a while. Notices greeting still there on one.

Hi there folks.

Know I've been gone a long time and all that.


Feels like I've been crawling across a desert. Holds hand out for glass of water.

Ah, yes, that's it .. dehydration!!!!!!

Or something ...........................................................

right

I was up in the early hours again this morning, found a lot to do as usual but just wore meself out again. And really felt it later on.

So, right, I'll get this sorted out as well cause I'm just prolonging all this crap and I need to get it sorted out. I'm there in lots of ways now, but this and the dehydration thing are still there to get done.

Everyone is right ....

I just need to get back on top of me life again.

Everyone is right ......

And yeah they sure are.

At this rate I'll still be here in the year 2**?

And it ain't going to happen.

I'm giving myself three weeks to sort this out and go.

Eat well, exercise sensibly, rest enough and drink enough water.

etc etc

Manyana ..................................

Seems events of the last few days may have got through to me more than I'd realised. Today I had to think before coming on here to write because I wasn't too sure that I wanted to put what was in my mind up here. Very political indeed.

I mentioned it to someone this evening and they thought I should. But I think I'll leave it. The imagery was good, and I know it'll be written about sometime in just those words and with just that imagery, but not now. Dunno why really.

Movement

Spent ten minutes arguing with someone just because our definition of the same word was different. Normally it'd've taken about two minutes to sort out but I am a bit on edge or something today and while there was no unpleasantness or anything like that I was a bit taken aback by what she thought I'd said, and the other way round too.

Then it dawned, she thought I was talking about something different than I was so we had to go back to basics. It was just a slight difference about how we interpretted ONE word. As I said I'd've usually stopped early on and ASKED but today I kept on trying to explain what I was talking about without trying to find out why we seemed to be talking at rather strange cross purposes.

More muscles changes today too, but I'm sure not feeling too good but that's probably half down to this shitty cold and the other half due to muscles finding their way around at the moment. Just heard a little noise which means one on the right side around the neck area is on the move. I guess it's not going to feel too good if they've been so still for a while.

I guess this all down to the Bowen therapy. She said when I first met her that sometimes I might not feel so good the day after. There is certainly movement at the moment though. Nothing drastic but it's certainly there.

Stretches muscles out a bit on the right side of the neck and head just to move it on a bit. Listens to noises gleefully. Though still feels like shit.

(Goes to get glass of water .. mustn't dehydrate now must we)

A quiet day really

Spent most of the day resting, trying to shift this cold. I'm very tired and I don't want to make it any worse.

My muscles are slowly improving but this means things are a bit of a strain in some ways. I felt strange yesterday because my lungs were changing because of the difference in breathing. That comes and goes and sometimes makes me feel quite sleepy.

I guess this is something to do with last Thursday.

There is definitely a change though.

Up earlyish tomorrow too.

Bowen Therapy

Well, it was totally different to what I expected. I'm trained to massage as therapy and I imagined it would be something rather similar. Not at all, it was very gentle without much movement. Not much was done at all.

It seemed to have two effects on me. After the first two times she touched and slightly moved a muscle in my back both my feet became quite hot. I thought it might be because both my feet were off the bed I was lying on, but after a while they went back to their usual temperature, so I guess not.

A bit later on, without her doing all that much, my breathing changed quite dramatically. She was still touching and gently manipulating muscles in my back. My breathing changed after she had left the room. This is all in the treatment. There is this very gentle muscle manipulation, it's something to do with the body's connective tissue, and then you're left alone for a few minutes.

My breathing changed while she was out of the room. It just got deeper and stronger and started affecting and moving muscles in my upper body. I guess this carried on for about ten minutes. She was back doing more while it was going on. After a while it returned to a normal breathing pattern.

I asked her later if this generally happened. She said it had but not very often. I'd been told by the person who recommended it that I probably wouldn't notice anything happening straight away and that it was a very gentle process. It's said to continue working through the body for about a week after treatment which is why they recommend that you only have one treatment a week.

I was very relaxed when the treatment took place. I wasn't nervous at all about going, felt quite relaxed about it before I left here. I knew a little bit about her and other people who she had trained with or trained. Had talked to another person who'd been at her house when I phoned and it just generally all seemed fine. When I got there, she was out gardening and I went around to the back of the house and walked down a little path through the garden. There was something about the garden and the path that seemed relaxing too, it had some kind of effect on my senses in a kind of medative way. Though that doesn't describe it at all really. Just that there were no nerves or disquiet or unease or anything.

We talked for a near enough a couple of hours before the actual treatment began. This isn't usual, she'd just come back off holiday and I was a late afternoon appointment, and we just kind of got on and talked quite a bit. I think that this must have relaxed me a lot too, because there were no nerves or apprehension or anything. I just kind of relaxed out of it, even when my feet were heating up I still felt physically and mentally relaxed. The thought of being anything else never entered my mind. I was a bit surprized by the change in my breathing later on, it was rather dramatic, but didn't get uptight about it or anything.

I think if it hadn't been for all the talking I might have had a few blocks up, maybe not though, but just feeling so at ease and relaxed would possibly have made it easier for any treatment to have an effect I guess. My muscles are not in a good state at the moment, though even with the cold I've got, they are still continuing to move and slowly relax. There has been a slight burning sensation sometimes when they've moved a little. I imagine it's going to be a slow and at times not a very comfortable process if it continues. I'm not having any trouble with the left foot either, the one I got the infection in and which generally stiffens up when I get a cold, one of the toes was slightly painful when I went out today but the pain soon went.

I have a cold at the moment which hasn't been that pleasant as it's a kind of gastric one, had a bit of trouble with it last night, but apart from feeling a bit tender, I guess isn't causing any trouble now. I just rested to make up for being awake for quite a bit of the night this morning and didn't feel uncomfortable about it. Got up around one in the afternoon feeling pleased that I felt a bit better. And didn't think anything about the time. Just kind of went with the flow to do what seemed would be best.

Anyway, I've another appointment in a few days and we'll see how that goes.