Crying

I haven't cried for years. 20 years? Something like that or thereabouts. I can manage about 30 seconds slight sniffling. Doesn't matter how I feel I can't cry. It's been a great strength for some years. It's not something that I was taught but something that just wore down over the years. It was really good for a while.

But now I don't need this anymore. And I really want to be able to cry again. Not that I ever did that much, but occasionally I would just let things go. It's meant to be a good release, to let out chemicals that can cause stress or something.

I have shed a few tears for a few seconds over T's death. For about thirty seconds or so, three or four times. And that is a lot for me. As I said, I don't cry anymore, I literally don't seem to be able to. I can remember the last time I did cry. It was over someone's death. And never again since then all those years ago.

I feel a lot. I mean I know that because of the things I do. But I don't cry. I can be very relaxed though/and alert in very difficult situations. It's almost as if the tears have been channelled into other forms of thought or emotion.

I've been wondering if the Bowen therapy would change this and maybe make it easier for the tears to come just as a release. I mean I don't want to be crying a lot or anything like that, but just sometimes I think that it'd be a good alternative way of reacting to some things.

Maybe there's been some change in the wiring in my brain or something though.

I've got a bit unnerved by the thought of some work and I really thought that tears were going to flow but they haven't. It was after a conversation and I was left feeling rather jittery. Though it would be rather ironic if this reduced me to tears but maybe it'll take something like that which is rather far removed from the memories and thoughts in my mind that you'd think would leave me crying at least sometimes.

I mean I guess it must be some kind of rewiring in my brain that happened as a result of repeated and rather extreme stress that I couldn't react to in an emotional way, at least not with tears and/or fear. A sort of survival tactic that kind of evolved. Very useful one, but one I don't think I need anymore in all situations.

I'm still wondering if the Bowen therapy will change things. I don't want it changed much but just a little I guess. If I had cried when I got nervous about some work, I wonder how it would change things. Would I have felt different. I don't know.

What did happen was that there was a kind of fear of not being able to do it with slowly allowing myself to relax and realise that I just needed to start doing it.