Dancing In The Dark With The Stars All Around

Monday, October 23, 2006

Still thinking

Saturday evening is still going round in my mind. Thinking about all the things that were talked about. It was a fun evening, there was lots of humour and laughter but I was also left with a lot to think about apart from enjoying that. The whole evening was a like a goodbye gift with all the things I learnt and have been left to think about and to understand.

I will try to look after my health. I've the set of scales so maybe I'll try a bit of cooking!!! A very nice set of scales they are too. And ofcourse I will have to try them out ... I guess!!!!!! And I will listen to the advice I was given. And thankyou for that. I might have given a lot but the people there have given me a lot to leave with and think about too. And they've made accepting and coping with this illness a lot easier too. A real gift.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Nice evening

I did go to the meeting yesterday evening and I'm glad I went. It was a good evening, the guitarist was there and there was lots of singing and laughter as well as there being a serious side. The expected guest wasn't there but this didn't matter as there was the guitarist and someone else who'd come along to fill in.

I call him the guitarist but he sings and plays the guitar and is also a very good artist. He draws very good portraits and nice scenes. I now have a print of one of his paintings from a raffle which will go back to London with me.

I didn't go out this evening because I'd been out the two previous evenings and I felt quite tired today. Got caught in the rain earlier on as well. I had my umbrella but there was a bit of a wind blowing so I got wet as it was bucketing it down.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Learning

And I guess I do want to keep exploring. It's interesting. I do believe there's something more than what is easily seen as far as life goes now. I'm also very aware that I, no more than any other person knows what it is all about.


As someone once said, though about something different, it'd give the game away if we did know.

psychic abilities

Well, I don't have them. People have said to me that I'm psychic but I don't think I am at all. I've had that run of coincidences but I wouldn't call that being psychic though maybe it might look as if I've tuned into something now and again.

Whatever. I certainly can't tell anything about a person's past, present or future in the way you are supposed to be able to if you have any kind of psychic abilities. Nothing. Zilch.

My saying that I wouldn't be joining the people I have now when told that I would be sums up my psychic abilities pretty well I'd say.

The coincidences are something different.

Addition

I've added a little to the post about The Samaritans. Changed it a little. I was thinking about the time when I'd been very unhappy at home and when I didn't realise that time was the answer and that I could use the time at home to work ready for when I could leave.

Sometimes more help is needed.

I thought about my life around them too and I know now that the best thing for me to have done when I was older and had left home would've been to have broken contact but I didn't. People agree but it's easier to look back in hindsight I guess.

I still don't understand half the reasoning behind life there. I've sat and tried to work it out but I still can't fathom some of it out. When I had counselling for my injuries the time was spent talking about my family and I still came out none the wiser about some of it.

And know it's just the past. I'm not giving up anymore of my time trying to work out things that I just can't. They don't deserve anymore of my time anyway.

It would've been nice to have had a few more answers though but it's something that I can't work out. Just beyond my comprehension.

Back

Back from the Friday evening meeting which I think will be probably be the last one I go to as there aren't any for the next two weeks. But tomorrow evening there is a meeting with a guest attending which I'm looking forward to very much and which seems a very nice way to leave. I will still be going on Sundays and there are other things to go to as well if I want to. It's been a nice introduction to their meetings and I will get in touch with their main centre in London when I get back. It doesn't matter if I'm not well enough to go tomorrow but I would like to and I have to admit that I'm very curious now.

This evening we did a guided meditation where we were asked to walk down some stairs and at the bottom of the stairs there was a mist which we walked through into a small clearing where there was a tree trunk for us to sit on. There we were to wait.

I was very tired this evening and couldn't get into it first of all. I could see the staircase but that was that. Then I spotted a person dressed as a wizard at the top of the stairs so pottered over but my staircase wasn't a regular staircase and I wasn't very happy about using it. It changed into a glass slide, vaguely going between the two, staircase and glass slide. I eventually slid down most of it when it was in the form of a slide. Walked through the mist and went to sit on my tree trunk. And looked around and waited. I realised that my trees weren't real. Infact they seemed to be a mixture of asparagus spears and peacock feathers with eyes painted between them at the top. I realised I was on a set.

Then a figure appeared dressed in a dark hooded robe and carrying a lantern. I couldn't see this person's face. Then someone appeared who I think of as a bit of an inspiration in life and he came over to me and took my hand and we walked off and out through a door and out into the world. To start off with there were flowers near the door but what I could see past them were changing street scenes mainly. I turned to my friend and asked "What do I do now" and he didn't reply so I asked again a couple of times and he eventually replied "What are you asking me for"

We walked back and he hugged me and stayed sitting with me a while before he left. I stayed sitting there until we were asked to go back to the stairs and go back up them. I looked at mine and walked back round them to the back door.

My meditation was interpretted as that I should just find the confidence to do what I know I should be doing and my friend saying "What are you asking me for" was seen as him saying Well, you know what to do.

I think this could be seen as a fairly good interpretation of what was there.

It was nice because one lady who finds it quite difficult to do these meditations found it much easier this evening. Some people don't find them easy at all.

Blogger problems

Blogger's been down a good part of the afternoon. I think they must be changing things in their new improved beta blogging. Though I may ofcourse be wrong but they're spending quite a bit of time working and I guess that's probably why.


The link to the Samaritans is:

http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

The Samaritans

I'm writing this because of something I've read on one of the boards I read. I read a few. Someone had a family member try to commit suicide.

Generally speaking, suicide is a reaction to a moment in time. Apparently young men are the most at risk. Some people say that this is because they have used more drugs and drank more than women, others that in our culture men are made to think that it's weak to confide in other people and therefore the problem just goes round and round in their heads.

I tried to kill myself when I was young. I came from what was a very disfunctional family and at one point that seemed the only way out. It wasn't ofcourse ... time was the answer. But for that time when I was thinking about it I couldn't see that and couldn't see that life would change.

That it was just a moment in time.

I've known people who have tried to kill themselves, some have suceeded, some haven't. Those that are still here with us haven't regretted making it through. I'm sad about those who didn't because I know that the time that was hurting them so much would've passed.

Sometimes you do have to work to change the situation. I look back and realise that I should've left the family situation instead of staying around even on the edge of it all when I was older.

Though in my situation when I was younger time was the answer.


But ..........



The Samaritians are there for when people need someone to talk to because there are ofcourse times when people need someone to talk things out with. It doesn't help to have things going round and round in your head.

Their website

http://www.samaritans.org.uk/


And sometimes people need advice.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

mark 2

And then I chose to have another one. I thought for a moment that this was really silly and a waste of my time and money but as I found myself talking to someone with an illness not too far removed from my own I was pretty pleased that I had. And I've made a friend as we're going to stay in touch. She also had a legal problem not too dissimilar from mine and what she mentioned tied in with the other call.

She also gave me a lot of nutritional advice which was very useful and which followed on a bit from what the lady I'd met in the waiting room at St Thomas' had said.

She wasn't awed by the amount of medication I have to take at the moment either. As she said, that'll change. It was nice talking to someone who understood the problems I'm going through at the moment though ofcourse I wish she wasn't ill.

I feel much better for having heard what she had to say about the nutritional side of things and for talking generally. I'll be taking her advice as it was really sensible and she explained the reasoning behind it so that I understood. As I said it sort of followed on from what the nutrionalist had advised the lady I met in the waiting room at St Thomas'.

I suppose u could say that was quite a coincidence. I dunno but I'm pleased that I got to speak to these two women today. That's it though. My psychic phone line therapy sessions are at an end.

A reading

I chose to have a reading today. Not because I think that someone's going to lay my future out before me but because I wanted to start looking towards the future again and have a focus to think around. I find that, for me, this is a good way to do it. For other people it might be talking to friends and family, or, as I've seen, chatting over the net one way or another, or going for counselling, or just thinking it out themselves. Or a mixture of a few of these things. I chose to have a reading a bit like someone might go to a counsellor because as the other person is talking I can think about what s/he's saying and let my own responses help me see where I am at the time.

For all of that she was quite accurate. She said that I was ill and that there'd been a lot of stress in my life. She said that she thought I was moving and that I'd taken a long time. Yes, I had because of the illness but that it was all getting sorted out now. And she mentioned something that seemed very pertinent to the legal situation that I've mentioned. I spent about three quarters of an hour talking to her and I've got quite a lot to think about now. In some ways it's like building a bridge from my old life as it was before discovering that I have this illness and getting back on that old highway again. Not that I've been away that much really because, ill as I've been, I've still been doing things and life has still been making itself known in other ways other than learning how to cope with the illness as it is now. In some ways it's almost as if I've been in class exploring things from the safety of the flat and in my head rather than having to go out there to sort some of it out. A lot of it seems to've been along the lines of revision as well I guess.

I'm not really talking about it very clearly but that's because I'm not talking about events just the feeling that they left me with as they happened. I feel that once I'm back emersed in my interests again the other things will fit more into place. A lot of my mind is still caught up with dealing with the illness I suppose but that is changing and probably a lot quicker than it often would because I've tried to do other things as well.Not that it's been easy because this illness isn't easy.

I'm still very aware of what the other incidents have made me think about. And the person I was speaking to did pick up on what had been going through my mind and talked a little about it.

That's it then. I've done a bit more work around the flat today so am a bit nearer the move.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Sleepy day

I've been resting for most of the day as I was much sleepier than I thought I was. Just been lying down and resting. Been dreaming a bit as well, day dreaming I mean. Thinking how nice it'll be to be well enough to start doing things again.

There wasn't much option about what I did today. Rest was the only thing I could do but it was nice to think of feeling better and getting on with things again. The last few weeks have been spent coping with this illness really and getting used to the routine of taking all the medication and using everything that has been prescribed for me to get me through the next few weeks.

Yes, I'm really looking forward to feeling better and getting back down to things. It's been quite a while really since I was well enough to be doing what I wanted to. That stopped when I found I couldn't read as much as I normally did. I thought that was just because of the colds I was catching but I guess the real reason was that this illness was slowly reaching a chronic stage before developing the symptoms that would show that it was there.

It's a illness, described as one that most GPs have never seen, but obviously there are other people with it and there is a society for us which I will be joining very soon.

It's nice thinking of getting back down and being able to do the things I want to again. I didn't stop totally but I was so tired that I couldn't do much for quite some time. I didn't read much at all because my concentration had got quite bad. Not surprising when you think what was happening I guess!!! But obviously I'm starting to feel better, though I'm still very tired. And I do have one runny cold at the moment but I've noticed so do a lot of other people.

Hope it soon goes.

My auto immune illness

I've developed an auto immune disease where my immune system began attacking the substance that joins one cell to another and destroying it so that my cells were becoming unattached from each other. I'd had it for some time but it wasn't clear what was happening until it showed itself in the blisters, ulcers and purple patches that developed. There are other symptoms too but they are the most obvious ones.

It's a very rare illness and I was lucky to have a doctor who became concerned that there was something seriously wrong soon after the ulcers started appearing and got me seen as an emergency at the local hospital. The illness is very painful though the pain is being kept under control to some extent with morphine, both slow release granules and liquid morphine, paracetemol and ibuprofen. It also slows your body down I suppose because of all the damage done to it.

It's being treated with steroids, prednisolone, and steroid sparing tablets, azathioprine, which maximise the effect of the steroids. I've also got various creams, mouth washes etc to help with the symptoms until the illness is under control and I've medication to take to counteract the side effects of the steroids.

Hopefully I'll be reducing the steroids in the next few weeks to a maintence dose to keep the illness under control. And, then, in a couple of years, hopefully I won't need them at all if the illness has cleared up. But it takes a couple of years of treatment for this to have a chance of happening.

I can feel that I'm getting better though a heavy cold has made some of the symptoms worse again. The pain spiralled and my left leg developed symptoms which made it feel heavy as if it'd "gone to sleep" though this has been accompanied by quite a lot of pain. My left foot was quite badly affected by the illness earlier on. I'm slowly getting better again though even though I've still got the cold.

I'm a vegan though started eating vegetarian food in hospital because I couldn't manage to chew the beans that made up quite a bit of the vegan menu there. I'm staying on a vegetarian diet for the next three or four months or so while my body heals and gets used to the medication I'm taking as I don't want to give it another change by changing my diet again while I'm going through this stage. I wondered if I'd been eating too much dairy produce as the cold I've got now is using up lots of tissues which I'm not used to and I believe that dairy produce can cause you to have lots of mucus so I think I'll take my diet back to more of a vegan one but I'll still eat a little vegetarian food. I'll go back to a vegan diet in about four months time when my body will be much stronger and used to the medication and will be quite able to cope with the change of diet.

I'm tired today. I went to Birmingham yesterday to buy someone a belated birthday present. Bought them a Steve Earle compilation cd and a 2 cd collection of Townes Van Zandt's music which I bought for under £10. The time out has left me tired though. I was told that it would but I didn't realise that I'd feel this tired. Woke up this morning feeling absolutely zonked but it's clearing as the day's going on. There're other ways though that I can see that I'm getting better regardless of this cold. The pain's still pretty awful at times though but I know that it'll eventually get better and it's just there while my body's healing.

I can cope with it all. I had a good night's sleep last night too, regardless of waking up feeling so tired this morning. Slept through the night and had about ten hours sleep.

(yay!!)

I'd been feeling ill for quite some time before the illness was diagnosed and treated. I know that it's going to take a while before I'm feeling a lot better because the illness has done a lot of damage to my body and that's got to be repaired but at least it's all being treated now and I'm getting better.