Meandering

I have just been told how lovely I am. With the person almost in tears. This gets to me because I know it's not really true. It starts me thinking about my life and how many regrets I have as I look back.

My life has meandered along many strange twists and turns and I haven't always behaved that well. But neither has anyone, he said. And this is true. But I do have a lot of regrets and when people say things like that to me it does worry me a little because I know that I haven't always been good.

And I don't like people to think that I have.

Back again

Though by a rather extended route. When I got out of the train at Paddington I felt just as if I'd stepped out of my front door really. Didn't feel as strange as it had the previous couple of times.
When I got into the cab I recognised everywhere we went through and just felt comfortable.

People were more uptight this time but there were still a lot of friendly people around and still smiling. Even after the unbelievable stunt that had happened earlier in the day. But I guess it brought back sad memories of what had happened and how many innocent people had been injured and killed in July last year.

Time at the dentist went well and next week I'll have more work done, an impression taken and a temporary bridge made and fitted. Then I've just got to wait for the new one to be made.

The dentist asked how things had gone and I told him there'd been no pain. He said he thought there would be this time but there isn't. I have feeling there though it's just that there's no pain after the work he's done on the tooth. Maybe something to do with the original injuries. I don't know at all.

Walked around a bit and looking round again and after a while went up to the health shop. And what d'ya know, there was an aduki bean cottage pie. Hopefully they were just waiting on a delivery at Camden. When I'm back or when I've time I'll go over to the branch at Old Street and see what they're stocking there because they used to stock a whole range of that companies packaged ready to eat meals.

Bought a soya sausage roll which was very nice, some very thin brown rice noodles and a pack of green tea flavoured ones as well. You never know what you're going to find do you. Some chocolate soya desserts that they hadn't had in Fresh and Wild either and that they used to sell. They had the fruits of the forest ones which are very nice but not the chocolate ones.

I'd decided to buy a one day travel card when I set out, not knowing that I would be sight seeing before I got to London, so went back. Thought about staying over night but decided I'd be back down again in a few days so would just go back. And anyway will soon be living there again.

London

Well, I just want to be back. I had a great time there yesterday again. I didn't see anyone I knew this time. I just wanted to wander around and get the feel of the place again. I was surprized again by the general politeness and friendliness.

I went to Camden this time, was a bit put out that the vegan selection of take out food seems to have changed. Maybe one company has shut down or something, but it seems that now there's the same both at Planet Organic and Fresh and Wild. No more aduki bean shepherd's pies then or various kinds of soya chunk wraps.

I wandered around Camden. I noticed while I was out that people seem to be becoming more creative with their clothes again, or some people anyway. Sure a few hippies, one guy was wearing a headband. Wandered around but not as much as I normally would because I'm still feeling so tired and really not very well. I went into Virgin Records while I was there and the guys behind the counter were asking people if they wanted bags which was really cool. I said no. Well, why would I want a small bag like that which I wouldn't do anything with and would just chuck it out to become part of a landfill site somewhere. And for no good reason cause I certainly didn't need a bag. Had one. The guy was pleased when I said no as well and said "Cool".

Well, you've got to start somewhere. For any of the talk about some scientists overestimating the problems this planet is in a lot of trouble at the moment. It was really nice to see that something we don't need at all really was being questioned. I mean you need to keep the economy going as best as you can to fund the things that are needed for the country. But at the same time we really need to be thinking about where the way we're living is taking the ecosystems we depend on.

Was in Oxford Street too for a while. Cut through M & S to go to Grant and Cutlers, the foreign language bookshop. Their stock had certainly improved. Well, the Arabic section was brilliant. The Dutch section had moved and had gone down in size. I guess this means that they have a new manager there because the guy that used to see to the stock had studied Dutch and made sure that there was a very good section there. Still good, just not as large!!!!!! Didn't look too hard but I didn't think I saw any Van Dale computer dictionaries there. Or any Dutch computer encyclopedias. Maybe they didn't sell, or maybe they've just sold and they're waiting for new stock. Or maybe I just missed them.

Went to HMV and Borders too. Bought some music and a few magazines.

Spent the rest of the time just looking around, seeing what there was and people watching I guess.

I had a nice time and there were people there who were just so friendly. Things seemed to have opened up a bit there. Maybe I smile a bit more too.

I mean a lot of people still looked harrassed and things but there was a lot of friendliness there again.

Sigh

It just took a bit of time and thinking on Sunday to put right what I'd done creatively. It seems funny now but it certainly got to me at the time.

Never mind, huh.

Think I went into shock.

Another cold

But I don't feel too bad. And I'll be feeling better soon. I just made a mistake and got taken to task about it a bit this morning. I knew that I had actually f*cked up but fortunately it was easily put right.

Sorted

It was easily sorted out.

Hmmmmm

Mood: pissed off

Mood: worried (and I know I'm worrying about nothing)

Which has brought a bit of a smile to my face. It's nothing really, just one of those days that didn't start too well. And I don't think I've handled it that well cause I'm still tired and not feeling very well.

Grins.

Shit.

Work

Well, I've spent quite a lot of the day drawing. Through the last week I've sketched a lot but it's mainly been people. Just the usual as I draw almost automatically except for the details but how I approach what I'm drawing is the same.

But today I started drawing for my work. Sketching, trying to understand what I needed to do.

Also been trying to make up a song compilation. I've chosen most of the songs. I think I've got it right. But I might change one.

I might even write one myself. I've been writing a bit in my head much to my surprize because I never could write very well. Maybe it's the change in music that I've been listening to or something because I've kind of gone country.

Getting better

Though I'm still rather on the achy side my walking has just got so much better. I guess this might have something to do with me resting though I don't know. Maybe it's just something to do with time. It kind of got worse again when I got this latest cold and I felt really down as I seemed to be back almost to square one again. But now that I'm getting over the cold things really seem to have improved. In fact it's the best since all this started.

Still tired though and a little on the muzzy side.

LF and everyone

LF. I will be back to the board. I did pop in and see the welcoming message. Could hardly have missed it really!!!!! And thanks for the PM. I've just so fricking tired at the moment. Though seem to be getting better as my muscles are apparently returning to normal.

See ya soon.

Will tiptoe back in and read and er .... post.

Footloose

I've been resting for a couple of days trying not to make the effects of the latest cold any worse. Didn't think things were very good because I was so achy at times. Went out today though and was surprized to find that my walking is a whole lot better. In fact not far off back as it should be, though not quite. Because of the aching I just assumed once I was out there that things wouldn't be good at all, but that's not how it was.

I didn't push it. My left side is still showing signs that whatever went wrong with the nerves down that side is still not quite right again and I know I've got to let it heal. Even so though, I could tell by how the foot was that things are better.

I was really surprized

Right

Not as tired as I was but rather achy. The temperature's gone though I'm not sure if I'm totally cold free yet.

Rest for some of the day I guess.

Oh well

I don't usually take any notice of um psychics because I am not attuned to all that but I have certainly been gently read the riot act by a couple of people who see life through that way of thinking and belief.

Diet. Well, yes it took a nose dive a few days ago which is probably why the cold affected me so badly. For most people it would have been ok, for me at the moment it isn't.

Getting back out there. Um, yes, well, two steps forward, three steps back. I know it's meant to be the other way round but I've been going through another period of general tiredness and cynicism and just thinking well really why bother.

But, slowly getting back. Read a thread of a message board where someone else was obviously fed up with a lot of things too was thinking aloud too. And when I started reading it I was agreeing. You know why bother, if you want to help just give a bit of money to charity and then forget about it all.

The usual things were said, Graham's thinking that if you give too much, if you care, then it's generally just a sign for the f*ckwits out there to think you're an easy target. Not quite how he put it, but the meaning's the same. Someone else said something too, but he said it in an amused way with a sort of sod the f*ckers attitude. Which is usually where I'm at.

Other people have said will you just get out there and get on with things because you can.

So, I've been sitting here wondering what to do. Have a cold, had a cold, whatever, and have been slightly depressed with it, and even more feverish.

Maybe, losing the bridge took me back a bit too. I haven't found it and I do know really it's probably better if I just get things seen to and not have it there as it will have to be removed a few times. Not sure what I'm going to have done yet. Just a bridge or a mixture of things. Probably just the bridge because some of the work has already been done for that. But I know it's going to be talked over again when I walk back through their doors again. It's not the first time I've vanished in the middle of treatment.

I mean not having the few teeth for a while doesn't worry me. When I lost them I almost died and the recovery didn't happen over night. The fact that I survived and then recovered was quite surprizing.

But when I was reading the thread about just giving up out there, stopping caring, I remembered the guys who'd risked their own lives to save mine. And then drifted on to other people. And realised that it wasn't true.

Just occsionally it seems like that but it's just a kind of depression blinding you because your brain is filtering out the better messages.

You know you start wondering what the catch is this time etc. And you do it in a kind of blanket way when it just ain't true at all.

Steve Earle

Name of blog taken from a Steve Earle song and just altered a bit.

........

This is where I'd've put the quiz if I'd had the blog this morning.