Oh well

I don't usually take any notice of um psychics because I am not attuned to all that but I have certainly been gently read the riot act by a couple of people who see life through that way of thinking and belief.

Diet. Well, yes it took a nose dive a few days ago which is probably why the cold affected me so badly. For most people it would have been ok, for me at the moment it isn't.

Getting back out there. Um, yes, well, two steps forward, three steps back. I know it's meant to be the other way round but I've been going through another period of general tiredness and cynicism and just thinking well really why bother.

But, slowly getting back. Read a thread of a message board where someone else was obviously fed up with a lot of things too was thinking aloud too. And when I started reading it I was agreeing. You know why bother, if you want to help just give a bit of money to charity and then forget about it all.

The usual things were said, Graham's thinking that if you give too much, if you care, then it's generally just a sign for the f*ckwits out there to think you're an easy target. Not quite how he put it, but the meaning's the same. Someone else said something too, but he said it in an amused way with a sort of sod the f*ckers attitude. Which is usually where I'm at.

Other people have said will you just get out there and get on with things because you can.

So, I've been sitting here wondering what to do. Have a cold, had a cold, whatever, and have been slightly depressed with it, and even more feverish.

Maybe, losing the bridge took me back a bit too. I haven't found it and I do know really it's probably better if I just get things seen to and not have it there as it will have to be removed a few times. Not sure what I'm going to have done yet. Just a bridge or a mixture of things. Probably just the bridge because some of the work has already been done for that. But I know it's going to be talked over again when I walk back through their doors again. It's not the first time I've vanished in the middle of treatment.

I mean not having the few teeth for a while doesn't worry me. When I lost them I almost died and the recovery didn't happen over night. The fact that I survived and then recovered was quite surprizing.

But when I was reading the thread about just giving up out there, stopping caring, I remembered the guys who'd risked their own lives to save mine. And then drifted on to other people. And realised that it wasn't true.

Just occsionally it seems like that but it's just a kind of depression blinding you because your brain is filtering out the better messages.

You know you start wondering what the catch is this time etc. And you do it in a kind of blanket way when it just ain't true at all.