sadness

When I was there someone said that they felt intensely sad and someone else told me that my life would soon be changing and that the past really was in the past now. That my life had been a lesson up to now. That they knew it had been very hard but that was so that I could learn. Someone else said the same.

(wonder if the exams are coming up!!!)

It seems that I might've brought paganism with me too.

I know that my life has been difficult but I'm come through. And I think it seems harder to people here than it would in a lot of countries. I know there've been some very difficult episodes in it, but that's how it was. Can't change it and if I did it wouldn't be me sitting here.

As far as the time I almost died in very violent circumstances goes. Well, I certainly got to know first hand in such a personal way just how cruel and heartless and unbelievably viscious people can be, but on the other hand people risked their lives to save mine, so I also got to know in a very personal way the other side as well. I guess there's not too many people who've experienced that in such a graphic way. And my emotions and reactions to that were what saw me through the time when I was recovering.

I mean who'd want to think about the other fuckheads. I mean, really. I was very lucky too in that I had some pretty bad injuries but somehow or other I didn' feel pain. I know this was a result of the first blow to my head because I didn't feel that, it must've just knocked something out in my head, though leaving me quite alert and still conscious. I know Donald Campbell, the racing driver, experienced something very similar after a bad crash. And I've met someone else who had a similar experience in regards to pain. I'm also lucky in that I don't have flashbacks, not to anything, though I can think about things if I choose. Some things have gone but I've reasonable recall, and I can remember all of what happened there. But it's not there unless I go and search it out, it's like having to go into a filing cabinet and choosing to take out a memory, otherwise it stays filed away and doesn't bother me at all.

There were some changes but they came later and possibly were more of a withdrawal just to give me some space for a while. I was fucking tired out and had a lot of physical healing to do which I think I probably didn't give enough time to just like I always do. I did things like walking back from hospital after an operation and stuff like that. Just how I was used to behaving I guess.

I'll be meeting these people I've met while I'm here and'll do much the same when I've moved. It will be just one part of my life in one way or another.