returning

And when I get back it will be to a mix of all kinds of things. It's up to me what I do so I'll be doing all kinds of things because that's what keeps me going best.

Ultimately I have to rely on myself. Zosha told me that and she's right. Knowing that I'll be back in just over a week sent a surge of energy through me, not knocking out the illness but just looking forward to how I'm going to spend my time, what I'll be doing.

There's been a rearranging of priorities as I realise the truth of Zosha's words. Other people will mess you around, don't mess yourself around.

It's fine being trusting but don't give your trust until you know the other person has shown you that you can trust them. It was a psychic who told showed me the roads around this type of thinking and he made me realise that either I didn't give my trust which happens more and more these days or I give it too easily.

Work will depend on my input, what I do to interest my mind, it'll be like feeding it books and experiences will it'll turn into something else or wil use to influence how things grow. A lot of my understanding has grown from what this man said to me.

For me. music is often the catalyst but there will have to be other things milling through my head in thoughs and as the result of things I've done. I hope to go into mediation too and meditational journeys. I did two at the place I went too and they have shown me that while I don't remember my dreams I can take myself on a meditational journey, I've done it with input from someone else, though not much, I'd imagine that I could do it alone too.

These are things that I can do myself. The meditational journeys that I was accompanied on have probably shown me a new way to use my mind, to expand it. Everything has been in a kind of step by step sequence. Or at least that's the way I see it.

One part of my life I'm not sure about, if I've interpreted it properly then everything should work out happily I think. If not then it's up to me to turn other bits of my life into something good enough to fill the gap.

There is always a chance that I've been played with. If not then I take it everything will be fine and what I could see is what's there. I can see that it should work well, with creativity shared around and a very happy situation growing.

If I find that I was just being played for what would look like people wanting to keep their names on the end of people's tongues, sort of publicity within the business, then that is how it is I was being shown false emotion and being shown something that was purely a lying creation of the mind rather than a true one of heart and mind. I've nothing to worry about and will just come to the understanding that I will start on a new journey of discovery and see where that leads me. The pain won't be the same knowing that the people were infact lying to you and were false so that you were loving people who don't really exist because a person is there mind and body and if the mind is presented as something it's not then the person or people you thought you were in love with don't exist, there bodies house a totally different personality that is not what you fell in love with.

And I won't be as affected as I once was. I started thinking being me was a bind and a bit of a drag where I'd probably have to compromise, which in itself isn't bad but still wouldn't be being true to my feelings but I would still live it and be happy. And, in fact,be happier than a lot of people who had more chance of being in the type of basic relationship they wanted to be in but after that the odds are more in my favour with the right person as I would use my creativity and my happiness at being alone being much the same as being with someone to build the blocks of a good relationship. Being much more aware than I was before. I would still feel something was missing because my relationship would not have the base I should have and I would always be aware of that but there are other ways of compensating and buildin different things into the relationship.

I'm told that what I want is not so unusual. Simone de Beauvoire and Jean Paul Sartre were introduced to me as an example of a people who lived with one other person and while I would want to be with people my own age group and as a family it seems that my genetic makeup isn't that unusual. A friend said that I would be a premium because single women who want to live in an equal family like this are not easily found. And she said, you'd be nice to live with. So that's how it is. The worry that was there has gone I know I can adapt into a couple of styles of relationships. And that the one I would like best will not be as hard for me to find as I thought it. would be.

As I've said I would prefer to live the type of family that I want but if that isn't possible I know I'll be able to live in a lesbian relationship that is a sort of nucleur family too and build up enough parts f it to feel happy and make my partner happy too. I'm told that I should have no problems if I find out that what's been happening is just a game and a joke and the people's minds are far different from what they are putting them out as.